A Vacant Mother’s Day
“Today is Mothers Day”, are some of the hardest words to process for a woman going through infertility. She cringes hearing
those words, and winces looking at the calendar knowing it’s coming. It’s the vacancy Mother’s day represents, that is the hardest. The vacancy she doesn’t want anyone to know about. The vacancy she doesn’t want to feel desperate about, or cling too, the vacancy she is unsure will ever be filled. This vacancy is deep, in her heart and soul. It’s a vacancy that only a child of her own can fill.
Those of us going through infertility, have been on this journey for so very long, we know exactly how much time we’ve spent trying, exactly how many treatments we’ve been through, and exactly how many losses we have experienced. Exactly.
We’ve planned everything in our lives, we are succinct, we are purposeful, we are determined, but this… this alludes us… it alludes us into our depths. It’s confusing, confounding and heart breaking. We started out so hope–filled, so hopeful, and the procedures, loss of connection to our bodies, the miscarriages, and loss of time have all but sucked every last bit of hope out of us. We’ve forgotten how to bring joy back into our lives some days.
Our hearts are empty today, our spirit has deserted us, our bodies are broken. It’s not that we don’t want to celebrate you today, it’s that we don’t really know how. We are overwhelmed, grief consumes us. This day represents the vacancy we can not for the life of us figure out how to fill. This day represents our loss. This day represents everything in us that is broken.
So please, hold my hand today. Hug me extra long. Place both hands on the back of my heart, and hold them there for a while. Maybe you can hold my heart for a while, because I don’t know if I can bear to. Please don’t tell me it will be alright, or that it will happen, or even to relax. Let me grieve today, without judgment, without fixing, and know I love you. My emotions may not make sense to you today, they may not make sense to me. It’s just what I need to heal the holes in my heart and soul today. Your compassion helps me heal. I am not sure if I can talk about it today, I might be hanging by a thread, but knowing you’re their and can hold the space for my grief, this is beyond measure.
To all the beautiful Women, you know who you are, the Women in waiting.
I am holding your hearts, I am holding the space for your grief today.
My love to you,